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I’m almost paralyzed by this question.  What do I want?  What do I want?  I’m not sure if I’m paralyzed by fear or by excitement or a combination of both.  And I don’t know the answer.  I can answer in negatives, with a long list of what I don’t want, but I can’t think of a single declaration of positive intention for myself.

When my  therapist asked, I couldn’t think of a single thing that was about me.  Everything that flashed through my head was about my kids.  Am I that out of touch with my essential self that I can’t aspire to something else?  Or am I so entrenched in my role as a mother that it has eclipsed everything else?

Since restarting my meditation practice in February, I’ve used a number of different guided meditations.  In one, about the flow of love, the meditation focuses attention on your heart and directs you to ask your heart what it needs to tell you.

Bird of Prey: Hartland, New Bruswick

Bird of Prey: Hartland, New Bruswick (Photo credit: Product of Newfoundland)

My heart isn’t very articulate.  But I sometimes see an image of a hawk: fierce, fearless, and free.

I remember that image of the hawk when I’m stressed about the future.  I try to focus on that fearless soaring.  For now, I’m letting go of the details, trusting that this is an evolutionary process, the untangling of my expectations.  Eventually, I’ll discover a new dream and learn how to fly.

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