I was served with custody and divorce papers six days ago and it’s been a whirlwind ever since.  I’ve seen a lawyer and been advised to keep the mandatory custody mediation scheduled in less than two weeks.  I’ve got the forms to start working on my response to the petition for dissolution and am filling them out.  They’re due by the end of the month (I have 30 days to file my response).  I’ve got a stack of financial disclosure statements I have to research, locate supporting paperwork, and give to my lawyer.  It’s utterly overwhelming.  And completely terrifying.  Did I screw up in some way that he’ll be able to crucify me over?

I’ve lost six pounds in six days.  I cannot eat.  I have a ball of anxiety in my stomach that’s constant.  It wakes me up at night.  I feel dizzy, light-headed, and can’t catch my breath.  I’ve lost all sense of balance.  I know this process won’t literally kill me, but it sure feels that way.

I can’t sleep for more than two hours at a time.  I wake up in a panic and can’t get back to sleep.  All my deep breathing, meditation skills have failed to tame the dragon of terror that’s gripped my soul.

He’s hired a “men’s rights” attorney, which feels like a declaration of war.  I really didn’t want a war.  And he apparently has no legal obligation to our college-aged kids.  All those college bills, psychiatrist bills, therapist bills, physical therapy bills, and prescription medication bills I’ve been paying?  All mine.  Come right out of the settlement.  All the house expenses?  Mine, right out of the settlement.  I figure I’m lucky not to owe him money at this point.

I have a meeting tomorrow to discuss what happens in custody mediation and the probable court hearing for custody next month.  It’s beyond horrible at this point.

I don’t know how much I can share in the blog, I sure don’t want to open myself up to more heartache, but I do need a place to vent and process what I’m dealing with.  Guess that’s a question for my $300 an hour attorney.  Dear Heaven.