Monthly Archives: September 2013

Farewell, Tomatoes

29 Sunday Sep 2013

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A precious Pink Brandywine Tomato in a year of...

A precious Pink Brandywine Tomato (Photo credit: hardworkinghippy)

The last of my tomatoes are ripening on the vine.  I didn’t get a bumper crop, but I had a fresh tomato almost daily for the past two months.  That made me very happy.

Interestingly, the Chadwick Cherry tomato plant produced a lot more tomatoes than the two Pink Brandywine variety plants.  Many more than just the smaller size would seem to account for.  While the Pink Brandywines were delicious, they weren’t as good as the Chadwicks.

My heartfelt thanks to the commenters, especially Sofia Leo, who came to my rescue when the plants started to die awhile back.  I followed the advice of my internet pals and the plants came back from the brink.  My tummy and tastebuds appreciate your help!

I’ll absolutely grow more tomatoes next year and look forward to putting the lessons I learned into practice.  There’s nothing quite as satisfying as eating food you grew yourself — fresh off the vine.

But for now:  Farewell, tomatoes.  I enjoyed every bite.

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A Little Progress

21 Saturday Sep 2013

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List of Star Wars air, aquatic, and ground veh...

List of Star Wars air, aquatic, and ground vehicles (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I’ve been emailing back and forth with Voldemort about the 2012 taxes, listing the family home for sale, and picking up all the personal belongings he abandoned when he moved out a year and a half ago.

The 2012 taxes ended up needing to be jointly filed.  It was more beneficial to both of us and my lawyer suggested I broach the subject with him.  So I emailed and gave two options.  Option 1:  he send me his W-2 and I deal with it.  Option 2:  I send him the supporting paperwork and he deal with it.  Guess which one he picked?  Yep, option 1.

It took him awhile to locate/obtain his W-2, but I received it no problem.  I used the same tax prep software as usual (so it would import the previous year’s data) and got the taxes done.  I e-filed the returns and printed copies of the returns and the e-filing verification.  Then I mailed copies of everything to him with the e-file verification on top.  A week later I got a note from the mailman to go into the post office to pick up a certified mail large envelope from Voldemort.

What the what?

Sigh.  He signed the tax return copies and mailed them back to me via certified and return receipt mail.  The refunds had already been deposited into our joint checking account.  Whatever.  I stuck the envelope in my divorce file box.

He agreed to using a realtor friend of mine to list the house, which will save us at least $10,000 as she charges a flat fee instead of a percentage commission.  Yay!

He adroitly avoided dealing with his belongings for several weeks, but I persisted.  Finally he emailed me last week that he could come by on Friday.  Hooray!  My dad and I moved all the boxes, chain mail (not kidding), and archery bows out to the driveway for easy pickup.  Then we dug around in the garage rafters and found another dozen or so boxes of important stuff.  Important stuff like Voldemort’s school papers (he’s 50 and these are from his undergrad years); unopened model airplane kits; half-finished model airplane kits; and a crap-ton of Star Wars toys and action figures.

Lest you think me an idiot, I knew the Star Wars stuff was up there.  It was a bone of contention for many years in our relationship.  He was convinced that spending money we didn’t have at the time would pay off later when he sold the figures for big bucks.  It was Voldemort’s idea of a college savings plan.  So I had pulled down a couple of the boxes and looked up the values on 100 or so items before I got completely bored.

The Star Wars stuff is worth about 25% of retail value.  Why so low?  Because everybody had the same idea.  There’s no shortage of this stuff.

On Friday morning, the landline phone rang.  I answered.  It was Voldemort calling from the driveway.  He didn’t understand why I included all the Star Wars toys in his giant pile-o-stuff.  I explained that I didn’t have any clue as to where to liquidate the toys for cash and no understanding of the variations of certain figures that might make them worth more.  He was nonplussed but he took all the boxes.

I think he expected me to deal with selling or storing all those toys.  No way, dude.  You bought ’em, you sell ’em.

And he apparently has such big issues with me that he can’t even come to the door to ask me a question face-to-face.  There’s no way we can ever have even a stilted, awkward co-parenting relationship as long as he’s calling me from the driveway.  Good grief.  On the other hand, no face time with Voldemort is completely fine with me, so yay!

It’s all good.  And now I can get to sorting through all the stuff that’s left in anticipation of the huge community-wide garage sale in two weeks!

 

Sad, Mad, Done

19 Thursday Sep 2013

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English: Angry cat

English: Angry cat (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

One of the attorneys I consulted right after Voldemort moved out told me that the emotional part of divorce moves through three stages, not the five that Elizabeth Kubler Ross described.  First you’re sad, then you’re mad, then you just want it over.

I didn’t really believe her.  I couldn’t imagine ever getting over my anger.  I’d processed my sadness for the most part, but I really held on to my mad.

Turns out that lawyer was right.  I occasionally slide back into sadness, because it is sad to end a marriage.  I spend some time visiting my mad, too.  For the most part, I’m just done.

I want to get this over with, due in no small part to the insane expense of a divorce attorney (I’m up to more than $8,000 in less than two months).  I want to move out of limbo and get on with whatever comes next.

The earliest possible date for the final decree is February 1, 2014.  That’s not so long…keep your fingers crossed.  Maybe we can stay civil, hang on to our dignity, and reach a reasonable settlement.  For cryin’ out loud, we live in California: a community property, no fault divorce state.  It really shouldn’t be all that hard.  Or so expensive.

A Hoarding Minimalist

16 Monday Sep 2013

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English: Bronzed Baby Shoes

English: Bronzed Baby Shoes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

If you’ve read any of my reading reviews (of course you have!  You’ve got nothing but time to spend right here!), you may have noticed that I read a lot of books on minimalism.  And organizing.  Which I thought meant I was an organized minimalist.

And I’m going through a divorce which, for me, means downsizing.

I spent the first few weeks after being served with divorce papers not eating, seeing lawyers, gathering papers, and generally freaking out.  Then I went to the custody mediation and calmed down a little.  Now I’m looking for a new (and affordable…in southern California) place to live.

The cold, hard truth is I can’t afford a place big enough for me, my kids, our cats, and all our crap.

I thought Voldemort was a pack-rat.  A hoarder.  And he was.  He left behind enough stuff to fill more than 50 moving boxes.  I ran out of boxes and got tired of packing some of the weirder stuff (like replica Viking helmets.  I’m not even kidding.) and just started piling stuff up next to the boxes.  In the 18 months since he moved out, he’s never asked about or tried to get all that stuff.

I’m on an email campaign to get him to deal with it.  I may have to threaten to call 1-800-GOT-JUNK to get him motivated.

So, I knew he was a hoarder.  I just didn’t realize I was one, too.

I don’t have tons of clothes or shoes or replica Viking helmets or kitchen gadgets or even books.  I do, however, have boxes and boxes and boxes of sentimental baby clothes, favorite toddler toys, and what appears to be every scrap of paper any of my kids ever scribbled on.  Dear heaven.  How do I go through all of this and decide what to keep and what to (gasp and grab pearls) throw away?  I’m thinking I’ll take digital photos of the artwork before sending it on to its final reward.  It hurts just to type that sentence.  Even though I haven’t laid eyes on some of it in years, even though none of my kids is Picasso, I don’t want to part with the actual papers.

I think it evokes such strong memories of a time that’s long past, that can never be repeated, so I cling to the paper even more than the memory.  It’s a physical and tangible part of the map to The Land of What Used To Be.  A reminder that all the horror we’ve gone through in the past couple of years isn’t the whole story.  We used to be young.  We were happy once.  There was something wonderful before.

The artwork and baby shoes make the wonderful before real to me.  That favorite Tickle Me Elmo makes my sweet toddler (now ungrateful turd teenager) concrete to me.  Intellectually I see this is silly, but emotionally all those things give me comfort.

Letting go is hard.

Accidentally, Mostly Vegan

13 Friday Sep 2013

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English: "V" icon as as symbol for v...

English: “V” icon as as symbol for vegetarianism/veganism. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

A few months ago I picked up The Lean by Kathy Freston at the library.  I’d seen her on Oprah years ago, and was vaguely aware that she promotes a vegan diet.  I checked out the book because I when I flipped through the pages, I loved the book’s layout.  It’s a 30-day, one habit at a time blueprint for healthier living.  Because the sections are laid out one per day, they looked bite-sized and manageable.

 

A little background:  I’ve been a vegetarian, on and off, for more than 30 years.  I had a vegetarian wedding reception (back in 1988 when it was seen as decidedly oddball to do so).  Voldemort never really adopted vegetarianism and gradually, meat came back into our diets.  Even so, I made an abundance of vegetarian meals and when he left, virtually all our meals were meatless.  My kids still eat meat occasionally, but I’ve pretty much dropped it over the past year.  So meatless is my preferred diet.  But veganism was never my goal.  It felt like a bridge too far; it seemed a bit extreme.  Even when I was going to animal rights protests back in the day, I still ate cheese.  I didn’t buy leather, but I had half and half in my coffee.

 

So I started The Lean with that bias and absolutely no intention of going vegan.  The first few daily habits were simple.  Drink more water.  Eat an apple every day.  Eat a hearty breakfast.  Each day a new healthy habit was added to the list, so by day three I was drinking more water, eating an apple, and having a hearty breakfast.  Each habit is explained with the scientific or medical reasons clearly laid out.  For example, apples have a fair amount of fiber, fiber helps you feel fuller longer, if you feel fuller longer you won’t stuff your face with a bag of chips because you’re starving.  (It’s like she looked right at me!)

 

The main point she makes is to crowd out junk food with healthy food so you’re not starving and vulnerable to making poor choices.  I’ve found this to be completely true.  In fact, I have trouble eating all the food she has on the daily lists now.

 

Ms. Freston’s style was so upbeat and positive, I found myself willingly going along with changes I never had any intention of making.  One day the new habit was to upgrade your milk and butter.  I bought almond milk instead of cow’s milk.  I found out my kids really don’t like cow’s milk and now I don’t buy it anymore.  Another day was change up your cheese.  Ugh, I really didn’t want to, but I bought a couple of non-dairy cheeses and they didn’t taste much different than the dairy cheeses I’d used for the same recipes.

 

I didn’t do a new habit every day.  Some of the habits took more time.  And a couple have been hard, like eat six cups of salad a day.  That’s a lot of salad.  Plus, I like crumbled blue cheese on salad.  So instead I try to do deconstructed salads and eat the vegetables separately.  I’m calling that good enough.

 

I’ve been working my way through the book and am up to Day 26.  I don’t make a stink about my food when someone else cooks; most people/places have vegetarian options even if they aren’t vegan and I go with that.  So I’m mostly vegan at this point.  I feel good, my too tight clothes are looser, and it was a lot easier than I ever thought possible.  I get my annual blood tests soon (in between attorney appointments and looking at new places to live) and will be fascinated to see if there are positive changes (although my cholesterol, HDL/LDL ratios, and glucose were all in the pretty damn healthy range already).  I loved the author’s engaging tone, appreciated her citation of current medical research, and found the suggested changes sensible.  If you’ve considered vegetarianism or veganism, this book is highly recommended.

 

 

 

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July Reading

12 Thursday Sep 2013

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The Reading Room at the British Museum - geogr...

The Reading Room at the British Museum – geograph.org.uk – 433966 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

I’ve fallen behind in my reading and yammering about my reading.  I’ve been distracted and, let’s face it, more than a little nuts.  But I did read in July and kept some notes, so here we go.

 

Yippee-Great!

 

Hunted (The Iron Druid Chronicles) by Kevin Hearne   #6 in an urban fantasy series that really needs to be read in order.  The novella “Two Ravens and One Crow” appears at the end of this book, but it really needs to be read before #5 in the series, Trapped.  Don’t know why it’s published so oddly out of order.  The author claims it’s not critical to #5, but I found it would’ve explained a lot.

 

There are some pivotal events in this installment, although I almost threw the book across the room on page 90.  Mr. Hearne is a sly one and brought up something from one of the first books that I had completely forgotten about.  Sheesh.  The action this time around involves figures and deities from Norse, Roman, Greek, Russian, Irish, and Finnish traditions although it’s mainly the Norse and Olympians.  A pivotal character dies (dude, I was shocked) and a new/old character is brought into the fold.

 

The vampires are still mucking up the world.

 

Oberon the hound is still awesome.

 

There were so many calamities that befell our druids, it was almost overkill.  I’m still not entirely sure who committed the murder (which was a weird subplot) and found it was left dangling.  I’ve got a bad feeling that’s going to be a crucial detail in the next book.  (And by the time it’s published, I’ll have forgotten all about it.)

 

This series remains, to me, very similar to Jim Butcher’s Harry Dresden books.  The non-stop action and bad guys leave me with that wrung-out, did-I-just-get-beat-up-by-fairies? feeling.  If you enjoy Harry, you’ll love Atticus.

 

Some Like It Lethal (#3 Blackbird Sisters Mystery) by Nancy Martin  I love this cozy mystery series about down-on-her-luck Philly Main Line blueblood, Nora Blackbird.  She’s had to take a job as a second string society columnist to keep body and soul together.  And of course she’s forever stumbling onto murders.  And she faints at the drop of a hat.  I could do without her sisters, but they’re a package deal.

 

This installment finds sister Emma in a horse stall with a dead guy and we’re off to the races from there.  A blackmailing scheme is uncovered along with the foibles of the rich and pretentious.

 

Nora’s romance with her mobbed up boyfriend moves forward, but she still can’t drive.  I find the whole thing charming and I never guess whodunnit.

 

Fair warning to animal lovers:  there’s a grisly scene involving Nora’s puppy toward the end.  (***SPOILER: the puppy’s ok.)

 

Cross Your Heart and Hope to Die (#4 Blackbird Sisters Mystery) by Nancy Martin  Another charming cozy mystery — another crime I couldn’t solve.  This book also has the most ass-backward, romantic proposal I’ve seen in years.  Recommend.

 

Trail of the Dead (#2 Scarlett Bernard series) by Melissa F. Olson  (kindle edition)  Second in an urban fantasy series about a supernatural null amongst vampires, werewolves, and witches in Los Angeles.  Scarlett works as a crime scene cleaner for the head vampire which means she sometimes ends up involved in crime-solving.  The mystery isn’t a whodunnit, we know that pretty much right away.  It’s more who else is involved and how.  The how is tied up with magic, so good luck puzzling it out.

 

I don’t remember Scarlett being so whiny in the first book, but she kicks ass in the end, so good for her.  An entertaining read, but not as good as the first book.

 

Gone for Good by Harlan Coben  Wow.  There are enough twists and turns in this to send you to the chiropractor.  The story begins with a family funeral, eleven years after the older brother is accused of  murder and becomes a fugitive.  That old murder ends up being the catalyst for all sorts of intrigue.  Characters who seem good, aren’t and those who seem evil have sparks of good.  Every time I thought I had a handle on what the real story was, it twisted on me again…all the way to the end.  Totally recommend.

 

Murder Melts in Your Mouth (#7 Blackbird Sisters Mystery) by Nancy Martin   Final installment in the series.  And it’s a whopper.  The dangling plotlines are all tied up satisfactorily.  The identity of the murderer is shocking.  There’s a subplot involving a trans*man that’s not quite germane or sensitively handled and is ultimately used as a device to explain an unbelievable twist.  I wish the author had made that character less of a caricature.

 

Boo-Disappointing

 

Have Your Cake and Kill Him Too (#5 Blackbird Sisters Mystery) by Nancy Martin  Flat and less charming than the previous books.  A whole lot of personal problems and angst which circled around like a snake eating its tail.  The mystery was okay, but the whole story felt a bit slapped together.  Meh.

 

Dark Moonlighting by Scott Haworth (kindle freebie)   A 677-year old vampire in the 21st century, holding down jobs as a cop, lawyer, and doctor.  Vampirism is a result of a virus and he’s trying to find a cure.  Why?  No clue.  He doesn’t seem to be particularly upset about being a vampire.

 

Written in the first person as a memoir from death row, it’s unrelentingly snide and snarky.  Every other line has a pop culture reference.  Fellow cops are all from television shows (Cagney and Lacey, etc.).  It got old fast.  I didn’t like the lead character or really care what happened to him.  He was totally unsympathetic.

 

Concrete Savior (A Dark Redemption novel) by Yvonne Navarro  The second in an urban fantasy series featuring angels, demons, and nephilim.  This one was bland.  Don’t think I’ll read #3.

 

A Crazy Little Thing Called Death (#6 Blackbird Sisters Mystery) by Nancy Martin  Fair warning right up front:  this one’s got animal abuse, which is a trigger for me and greatly diminished my enjoyment of the mystery story.  If I’d known about that subplot, I’d have skipped this one.  Libby’s still crazy, Emma’s still sleeping around, and Nora and Michael’s romance is still rocky.  So nothing new here.

 

I’m trying to read through most of the physical books on my shelves in anticipation of moving in the next few months and I’ve declared a moratorium on adding any more books to my Kindle for awhile.  Of course, now that I’ve made these statements, I’ll end up acquiring a hundred new books and have to eat my words!  Got any books to tempt me with?

 

 

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Preparing For Custody Mediation

11 Wednesday Sep 2013

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Médiation

Médiation (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Keep in mind that I live in southern California and the system here may be different than the systems in other parts of the state.  Certainly the system here is different than those in other states.  But since I wrote all about what it’s like being investigated by Child Welfare Services, I thought I’d give the lowdown on this, too.

One of the most anxiety-producing things about being served with divorce papers last month was the top sheet.  It was the petition for custody, and there was a custody mediation scheduled less than three weeks after I was served.  When I saw my lawyer four days later, she told me the mediation appointments were like gold and I should absolutely keep it.

I wasn’t expecting that.  I thought she’d dive right in with a motion to push the date back.  I was wrong.  And my lawyer had another suggestion:  go see a mediation coach.

Sheesh, there’s an entire thriving industry built around American divorce.  I made an appointment with the mediation coach, let’s call her Angel, for later the next week.  Then I got busy with some of the other aspects of the legality of dissolving a marriage.

Custody mediators, in my county, are all licensed therapeutic professionals with Master’s degrees or Ph.D.s.  They can be clinical social workers, marriage and family therapists, or psychologists.  Angel, my coach, was a MFT and custody mediator with another court in my county, so she knew precisely what happens in mediation.

She started at the very beginning, telling me where the courthouse was located and where to park.  She told me where the office was located in the court building.  Both Voldemort and I would wait in the reception area and watch a video on co-parenting while filling out forms.  When the mediator called us back, we would go to her office together.  The only exception to this is if there are allegations of domestic violence.  Then the abuse survivor can have a support person attend and be in a separate room from the perpetrator.  No lawyers are allowed.  She made sure I understood what would happen, which greatly reduced my anxiety.

Then she went through the petition and asked me questions.  What do you think he’s going to say?  What parenting disagreements have you had?  What does the child say?

She advised me to remain as calm and relaxed as possible.  Above all, do not get angry.  Or if I felt angry, don’t express it.  No yelling.  No accusations.  Stick to the custody matter, no talking about money or infidelity or anything else.  If Voldemort lied, I could wait until he was finished, then say, “That’s not an accurate statement,” or “That’s not factual.”  No interrupting, though.  Don’t use the terms custody, visitation, or my kids.  Try to use parenting time and our kids.

She also outlined what the mediator was really looking for:  history of parenting; concerns about parenting and the child(ren); and proposed parenting time share.  She went through each area with me and helped me craft my responses.  She was particularly helpful with the proposed parenting plan.  Angel also gave me the forms I would be asked to fill out in the waiting area so I could complete them at home.  This was a huge help since that waiting room was filled with tense and angry people.

Mediation lasts between one hour and two-and-a-half hours.  Ours ran just at an hour.  We ended up agreeing to my proposed parenting plan, which was heartily endorsed by the mediator.

In the end, the mediation went pretty much just as Angel described.  And while I was nervous, I wasn’t frantic.  Knowing what to expect put me much more at ease.  I received a copy of the mediator’s report about a week later and it was just as we agreed, although there’s a page that baldly states the time share of parenting which is startling.  The layout almost looks like a preschool graduation diploma.

Next step is going to court for the judge’s ruling.  There’s certainly time for someone to object to the report or to change his mind, but absent some new facts or circumstances (like a DUI or an arrest or something like that), custody should be pretty much set.

Now we move on to the cage match that is property division.

Doin’ The Limbo

09 Monday Sep 2013

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English: Limbo fire dancing.

English: Limbo fire dancing. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

The custody mediation is over and the report is in.  Shared legal custody and sole physical custody to me.  No visitation.  Therapy to be scheduled.  No surprises, exactly what we agreed to in the session.

But the court date had to be continued due to a scheduling conflict for my attorney and now we’re going to court in mid-October.  Which means no court order for support of any kind until mid-October.

And my lawyer has run through most of the retainer I gave her just a few weeks ago, so I had to send another check.  She’s lodging paperwork regarding kid #2 instead of filing it so the papers are (more or less) confidential.  Not secret from Voldemort, but private from anyone who goes looking through the divorce papers.  Like adult kids.  At least some stuff can be kept under wraps, sheesh.  But it’s expensive.

The family home has to be sold.  So I need to find a new place to live, which my parents are generously helping with handling entirely.  The real estate market has, once again, gone nuts in my neck of the woods, so I’ve got no idea how long it will take to find a new place.

It’s just aggravating.  Gotta find a place to live, gotta find a job, gotta put #3 into public school, gotta keep an eye on #2’s mental health.  And gotta keep a tight rein on the cats.

You’d think I’d be pretty limber from doing all this time in limbo!

Ack, Typos!

08 Sunday Sep 2013

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Proof reading

Proof reading (Photo credit: recursion_see_recursion)

 

I read every single thing I post here at least a dozen times.  I swear I do.  I used to work as a proofreader, for cryin’ out loud.

 

But typos still slip by on a semi-regular basis.

 

Mea culpa.  Mucho mea culpa.

 

Typos drive me absolutely nuts.  And to have even one live forever in infamy on my own blog makes me cringe.

 

Jeez, I try to be perfect, but I guess I’m still human.

 

 

 

Finding The Right Attorney

05 Thursday Sep 2013

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Lawyer Bashing Is Fun

Lawyer Bashing Is Fun (Photo credit: rkrichardson)

Voldemort moved out in March 2012, and I consulted two different attorneys in that first post-separation month.  I didn’t really like either one and it turns out, each gave me a bit of good advice and a bit of very bad advice.

I wanted and needed to change the locks on the house since he had taken his keys.  One lawyer said I could, the other said I couldn’t.  The one who said I could also told me to pack all his separate property and store it in the garage.  Legally, we co-own the house, so he could legally break in to get his stuff.*

I had the locks changed and packed all his stuff.  I didn’t like having to pack all that crap, but I did it.

Those 50+ boxes have sat in my garage for a year and a half.

Now I’m glad I did it, so it was good advice.

The bad advice had to do with his pension and the equity in the house.  Ultimately, though, neither of those attorneys really seemed to “get” my situation.

Then my friend, the Lovely L, started her own divorce.  She tried the two attorneys I saw and found someone else.  When I got served last month, I ended up in Lovely L’s attorney’s office.  And this lawyer knew her stuff.

That’s not to say I liked everything she told me, because it turns out the law isn’t fair.  The law doesn’t work the way we might think it should.  There’s a need to be willing to practice radical acceptance of the law in order to retain your sanity.  Lovely L’s lawyer gave me the single best piece of divorce advice I’ve received so far:  “Don’t get emotional over the money.  Don’t fight over the property.  Save all your passion and emotion for the kids.”

I’m grateful I had time between when Voldemort moved out and when he filed for divorce.  It gave me time to find an attorney with whom I feel connected.  Unfortunately, lots of people don’t get that time so it’s important to pay attention when friends and colleagues get divorced.  Did they like their attorney?  Did they feel they got a fair deal?  Did they spend through the assets to pay the attorney and if so, why?  Did their STBX fight everything little thing or did the attorney stir the pot?  It’s important to know which issues are worth the fight and which ones really aren’t.

Just because someone else had a good experience with an attorney doesn’t guarantee that you will.  But word of mouth recommendations from people you trust can go a long way to weeding out the shysters.

Interview as many lawyers as you need in order to find one you’re comfortable with, someone who tells you the truth not just what you want to hear. No matter how tempting, don’t just hire the one who’s a pit bull because you want to make your STBX pay.  In the end, it’ll cost you at least as much as it costs your former spouse.

 

*Please note that I’m not an attorney.  Don’t change the locks or do anything else just because I did.  This is what happened to work out for me, but it might get you into hot water, so talk to an experienced legal professional.