I’ve been angry that I don’t get the credit I feel entitled to for quite some time. In the divorce, that means I’m pouty that I make deadlines, produce appropriate supporting documentation, and arrive promptly for all appointments — and it goes unrewarded. I want a gold star or a cookie for my efforts.
Why, hello, Ego. I almost didn’t see you there hiding behind Anger and Irritation.
Here’s the incredibly unattractive insight I had during this morning’s meditation: I want Voldemort to realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. Without me, he’s floundering through life with all its attendant mundane tasks and deadlines.
I really want my STBX to realize and admit he made a mistake leaving me.
But I don’t want him back. I want to be able to nod sagely, and reply, “Yes, you made a terrible mistake. You’ll regret leaving me for the rest of your life. Good-bye.”
Ego is hijacking Good Sense right there. Ego is living in a fantasy world. The rest of me is living in the real world where it really doesn’t matter what Voldemort thinks or feels. What he says or does might create a few ripples legally, but nothing more.
My Ego seeks vindication. My Ego is a vindictive bitch and she’s out for blood. I’d like to deny that because I’d like to believe I’m beyond that pettiness, but I’m not.
There’s still work to be done. I have a feeling there will always be work to do.