I’ve been angry that I don’t get the credit I feel entitled to for quite some time.  In the divorce, that means I’m pouty that I make deadlines, produce appropriate supporting documentation, and arrive promptly for all appointments — and it goes unrewarded.  I want a gold star or a cookie for my efforts.

Why, hello, Ego.  I almost didn’t see you there hiding behind Anger and Irritation.

Here’s the incredibly unattractive insight I had during this morning’s meditation:  I want Voldemort to realize that I was the best thing that ever happened to him.  Without me, he’s floundering through life with all its attendant mundane tasks and deadlines.

I really want my STBX to realize and admit he made a mistake leaving me.

But I don’t want him back.  I want to be able to nod sagely, and reply, “Yes, you made a terrible mistake.  You’ll regret leaving me for the rest of your life.  Good-bye.”

Ego is hijacking Good Sense right there.  Ego is living in a fantasy world.  The rest of me is living in the real world where it really doesn’t matter what Voldemort thinks or feels.  What he says or does might create a few ripples legally, but nothing more.

My Ego seeks vindication.  My Ego is a vindictive bitch and she’s out for blood.  I’d like to deny that because I’d like to believe I’m beyond that pettiness, but I’m not.

There’s still work to be done.  I have a feeling there will always be work to do.

 

 

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