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Well, one specific moron.

We finally got a couple of offers on the family home. Hallelujah! My realtor-friend and I worked all the angles because for a brief, shining moment there was a little bidding war going on.

Of course, the bids were well below our asking price, so it wasn’t all unicorns and rainbows. Ultimately, we reached accord with a buyer over the weekend before last and the realtor sent the final counter-offer out to Voldemort and me via email last Monday evening.

I signed, scanned, and emailed it back immediately.

Voldemort did not.

He played his helpless game. The realtor re-sent the forms to him at both his work and home emails. Then Voldemort went completely off the grid.

The realtor called me and asked me to email him and light a fire. The buyers were jumpy and wanted escrow opened immediately. I emailed him and basically said he needed to sign and return the form so we could open escrow that day.

Nothing.

The realtor was pulling her hair out. She re-sent the documents a third time, using an online document service. She said she could wait until the next day to open escrow, but we really need to move. I told her to give him until after dinner and if he didn’t return the papers by then I’d pull out the big guns and cc all the lawyers.

(It’s really funny, in a nasty way, that Mr. Mens’ Rights attorney was so concerned at the settlement meeting that one of us — looking right at me — would hold up the paperwork. Dude, you were looking in the utterly wrong direction on that.)

Anyway, in true passive-aggressive fashion, Voldemort returned the electronically signed documents after dinner, as I predicted. He answered my email and said that the scanner at work wasn’t functional, so he couldn’t scan and email them back.

Really?

There’s a full array of office equipment available, like, y’know, a friggin’ fax machine.

This was just more typical crap from him. He knew we needed those papers. He knew we were sweating getting escrow opened.

He made his bulls**t power play, even though it could adversely affect him, too. His being the wrench in the works and getting all that attention from us was what mattered.

Dear God, please let this deal make it all the way through escrow so none of us have to deal with that addlepated moron anymore.

Amen.

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