I’ve been separated for two and a half years, and neck-deep in the legal process of divorce for 12 months. I’ve wrestled with the idea of forgiving Voldemort pretty much every one of those 750+ days.
He was the first thought I had every morning for months. The last thought I had before sleep, too. These weren’t nice thoughts. In the very beginning, I was worried he was suicidal, later I simply wished for vengeance.
I read about forgiveness. I meditated on forgiveness and compassion. I’ve had a couple of a-ha moments when I’ve forgiven him in my heart for very specific things. But I’m still angry, resentful, and hurt. I still feel he made a choice and paid no price for it.
What I realized recently, though, is that he’s no longer the first or last thought I have every day. And I think that change is due partly because of time and distance, but mostly it’s because our lives are finally becoming untangled.
Once the house is sold (please for the love of all that’s holy, let the house sell soon), a huge component of our partnership is gone.
That’s a relief.
We seem to be reaching an end to the settlement negotiations finally, so our legal partnership will be severed.
The more time, distance, and resolution I receive, the more I’m able to move forward with action on my needs, my wants, my hopes. Not having to deal with his colossal mess will allow me a true fresh start.
And I’m hopeful that having that distance will make forgiveness more available. At a minimum, I’d like to get to a place where I’m not actively resenting him. That’s just not part of the life in front of me.